I chose my career and life over my marriage and it was the best decision for me

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“At forty and thinking I’ll probably never get married, it was amazing to run into an old and still single school boyfriend. We hit it off immediately, and it was as if we’d never parted almost twenty years before. Within a year, he proposed, I said yes and we got married. But, it didn’t go like we expected.

 

You know that saying that you can’t teach an old dog a new trick? Well, it’s true. We were both very mature and set in our ways. Living in different cities, we had established careers, jobs and lives in those cities. While commuting was fine, even fun, when we dated, marriage was the real deal and we needed to decide where to live which meant one of us had to give up their life to join the other.

 

I’d thought about this before the wedding but just assumed since I was the more financially successful one, he would move to my city. He didn’t think so; he felt since I was the female, I should be the one to move. I didn’t think so. We argued about this and none of us would give in. "

 

The truth for me was this: I was a realistic forty year old woman with enough life experiences under my belt to know that life is not a fairytale. I’ve been disappointed many times and have been part of many friends’ heartbreaks. I was married but I was not holding my breath that it would turn out perfect with a pretty house and many kids. At my age, I might not even be able to have kids so I was not ready to gamble with my life by leaving all I knew to start afresh in another city even though it would be with my husband. I was old enough to know it’s a man’s world so I had more to lose if things went awry between us. I would have lost my very good job, my many sources of income which were tied to my being in my city, my contacts and everything that made me who I was. I was not ready to take that risk even for a husband.

 

None of us gave in and because my job was more flexible than his, I commuted back and forth. This disagreement over a major issue put a big strain on our marriage and within four years, I came less and less because he was almost hostile whenever I was around. Then, eventually, I gave up and didn’t come for about a year, during which time we barely communicated.  

 

One day, a neighbor called to say my husband had a regular female caller and they appeared to be intimate. I took the next flight to his city and confirmed it was true. The lady in question was even there when I arrived and my husband was unapologetic. He said as far as he was concerned, he was free to do as he pleased and there was no point in staying committed to a relationship I wasn’t ready to commit to. The arguments turned brutal and I stormed out hours after with our issues unresolved.

 

My friends all asked me to reconsider my position and move to his city but I could not get myself to do so. I didn’t tell any of them how terrified I was of uprooting my life at my age. I just could not imagine starting afresh for that’s what it would be. It was a matter of time and seven years after we married, my husband moved on. He’s living with the woman who’s pregnant for him, and has asked me for a divorce. Initially, I refused, wanting to hold on but within me, I admitted that I’d failed and it was not his fault. Relocating was an issue I felt so strongly about so should have discussed it with him before going on a journey where I wasted seven years of his life and mine. 

 

But out if it all, somehow, I’m still convinced that I made the right decision not to move and change my life in my forties; I feel that my real crime was knowing how I felt and not discussing this before we got married and for that, I feel really bad.”