I stopped beating my wife the day she fought back …with karate. Ouch!

 

Hey people, my aunt told me this really funny story which, weirdly, was told to her and some friends by the man himself. It was hilarious so I thought to share:

 

Many years ago, I used to beat my wife for different reasons – for insubordination, for carelessness, wastefulness, etc. I was a man who didn’t tolerate nonsense from anyone, especially my wife.

 

To beat her, I would usually start with some very heavy slaps to the face, hitting both cheeks with all my strength. This would incapacitate her and as she grabs her cheeks in pain, I would rush forward and start hitting her all over. This kept my wife submissive and I needed that; you see, she was much taller and bigger than me and I believed that if I didn’t assert myself violently, she might fancy herself to be my superior and I couldn’t allow that.

 

My wife was particular about fitness so she went to the gym every weekend. It was one of the few things I allowed her to do freely because I also wanted an attractive woman and not a slob. If only I had known what she was up to…

 

One day, she annoyed me and as usual, I hit both sides of her face with all my strength. Before I could launch at her and begin hitting her body, my wife rushed forward and hit me back – and it was a very painful punch. My shock at being hit destabilized me for a few seconds and she took advantage, hitting me on all sides as I tried to protect myself.

 

She slapped, kicked, punched and even bit me. When I was able to finally pull away to regroup, my hands raised in the air, my body ready to charge forward, her stance stopped me in my tracks. My wife was standing and staring at me with a deadly look in her eyes – body slightly crouched, legs apart, arms lifted from the elbow level with hands set close together and stretched out in a karate fashion. Seeing the surprise on my face, she smiled and kicked, screaming hai, hai, hai as she kicked and approached me. Hah! My wife had become Bruce Lee right before my eyes.   

 

She woman didn’t even wait for me to change strategy; she emitted a loud shout and rushed me, kicking and screaming. In fact, at that moment, I decided she had run mad and took off because I could not even get in a punch – she was kicking and screaming and hitting and biting all at once. I ran and the stupid woman pursued. I jumped over our ‘not so high’ fence to my neighbour’s and landed on my side. Turning to get up, I saw the crazy woman jumping right down on me from the fence and I screamed as she landed on me …and continued beating me with karate chops. I had to swallow my pride and shame to start shouting – 'help, help me …this crazy woman wants to kill me.' It took the intervention of good neighbours to stop her madness and shamefacedly, I shuffled back to my home next door.

 

Later, I found out that she’d been taking karate lessons, and not aerobics, at the gym – imagine. I was so angry but with how mad she’d become, decided it’d be wise to keep my anger to myself. That day, though, was the last time I touched my wife and I’ve spread this gospel to all the young men I know. It’s been more than twenty years since that day and sometime, a few years after that incident, I’d joked about that day with my wife, asking her what possessed her. She’d explained that she’d woken up one day to realize she’d gone deaf in one ear from my punches and decided she had two choices – stop me or walk away. She’d chosen the former because of the joint satisfaction of staying married and teaching me a bitter lesson at the same time. What a woman – I actually admire her now for doing that. I needed to be stopped.