I’ve not had sex in almost half my lifetime … and this decision probably saved me

“I got married at sixteen to a thirty one year old and once that ring hit my finger, my life changed forever and mostly in a sad way. Through my sixteen year old eyes, my husband seemed okay – he was not bad looking and he had a motorcycle which was the ‘in’ thing in those days. My parents warned me about him, saying they didn’t see any ambition in him, but I didn’t listen. I liked him and didn't care what anyone else thought.

However, I quickly lost the stars in my eyes after we got married. All my husband ever did was drink, smoke and go out with his friends, leaving me at home to care for my children. He would not leave us any money and through those years, I had to turn to my parents for everything for me and my children – money, food, clothes. It was tough and horrible – I cried every day.

Once I hit twenty one, my dad started a small business for me to help with my financial independence and I did my best to grow it – without any help from my husband. He would just come home to eat my food and search my stuff for money to fuel his habits.

Initially, he went out every morning and I assumed he was going about his business but after a while, he stopped going out in the mornings. He would laze around the house until the evening when he’d dress up and disappear. Since he did nothing, I figured he could help me with small stuff around the house like paying our light bills or house rent. It was a mistake as he would spend the money and not pay the bills. It was when they cut us off and the landlord came knocking on our door that I discovered this and I never sought his help again.

During this time, some of my neighbours would regale me with stories of his escapades in seedy ‘pay by the hour’ hotels around where he took prostitutes. Irony is that at that time, I was desperate to have the number of children I wanted so I would beg him for sex and he would refuse me many times, only to go elsewhere with prostitutes. I don’t even want to count the number of times I got treated for STD so once I had my four kids (thank God), I happily gave up sex with him. I was done.

Some years ago, my husband got sick and was being treated by our family doctor. He also became interested in a sexual relationship with me again but after the many nasty things that had happened between us, I could not imagine ever being intimate with him again.  At night he would keep pulling at me and when I got tired of fighting him off, I began to wear denim shorts under my nightgown. Other times, I would sleep in my daughters’ room.

One fateful day, our doctor called me. The doctor asked if my husband had talked to me and I said no. He shook his head and told me that my husband had tested positive for HIV months before and he’d been waiting for me to come for tests but since I wasn’t coming in, he suspected that my husband did not tell me anything. The doctor went on to say that he was not supposed to say anything to me but he knew our story and felt he had to protect me from a man who obviously didn’t care. My breath cut off as I thought of all my husband’s recent efforts to resume sexual relations with me and how I’d remained adamant about never sleeping with him again. I couldn’t believe it – a man I’d been taking care of since I was a teenager and who never gave anything back to me, including sex when I begged for it in those days in the past, was willing to put me in a dangerous position.

When I got home, I confronted him and he started telling stories about how the doctor had placed him on some retroviral medication so there was no chance of infection if we had sex. I stared at him with so much sadness as I wondered how I got so unlucky to have married such a man. Quietly, I told him to go back to his many other sexual partners and leave me alone for I was no longer interested. We’re still married but in name only and like I’ve always done, I give him an allowance, pay all the bills and generally take care of all his needs - except that one.

The sad thing is that I’m not so old yet I feel like I’ve lived two lifetimes. I just turned fifty years old and have not had sex in almost half my lifetime. But its okay – if I’ve lived without sex for this long, I think I can survive not having it for the rest of my life. And this decision is probably what saved me from contracting HIV from my husband.”